Blogtober Writing Challenge: Anguish

Blogtober: a helpful discipline

Mark Sanders’ challenge to the writers in his circle of friends throughout the month of October was to take a word of the day and craft a poem, piece of fiction, or essay around that theme. Because of recent events in my life, I have fallen away from my writing habit so this looked like a fun and interesting way to rekindle that discipline in my life.

The first several days of the month proved to be incredibly helpful. I enjoyed the challenge of economizing my thoughts in 250 words or less. Having a structure provided for me helped ease the anxiety of what to write about. All was good, or so I thought.

Taking a knee while writing

Then came today’s word, anguish. This one was too emotionally difficult. Too raw. Too fresh. I spent the last 36 hours pouring over my journal, digging up memories, and trying to edit something down that would be worth reading, without retriggering to my trauma-addled brain.

After a day and a half of work, I am surrendering to the reality of my emotions. I’m tapping out.

Today’s blog entry is really a non-entry.

One of the weird pieces of trauma and grief recovery is how much anger lies just below the surface. Anger at situations, actions, inactions, broken systems, broken people, myself, and even death itself. Some of the anger is justified. Some is not. Yet, it is still real.

In this case it is too real to write about.

Maybe someday, but not yet.