Estonia 1998: The End is at Hand
From the archives: It turns out that I was blogging long before anyone had ever heard the term “blog.” Twenty years ago I was an exchange student in Estonia. While studying at the University of Tartu, I created an online travelogue to keep my family and friends apprised of my experiences. Both my life and the nation of Estonia have changed a lot the two decades since. This reprise is providing me with a glimpse at who I was back then and the excuse to learn more about more recent developments in my temporary home, even if some of the opinions that I expressed back then may make me a little bit uncomfortable today. It is interesting to see how people grow and change.
May 18-24, 1998
This was a notable week because it saw the beginning of the end, if you will. We started to go through the series of farewell parties and class finales that will eventually lead us up to the end of the semester and, ultimately, my time here in Estonia. I am sometimes having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that it is actually beginning to wind down, but the departure this week of a good friend of mine, Nuri, really brought the reality of it home for the first time. In just a few weeks my time in Tartu will we over and I’ll return to America, a land that I have not seen for a long time, but one that is becoming more and more real every day that passes. Up until now my homecoming has always remained something of an abstract concept. Now it is becoming something that I can imagine and am beginning to look distinctly forward to. Estonia has been wonderful, but I have completed what it is I set out to go here in Estonia and I think that the time has come for me to move on and get on with the rest of my life.
19 May 1998
Tuesday
Today I wrote my essay for British sports class comparing the attitude towards sport and the place of sports in society in the United States and Britain. I think that the paper turned out alright. It’s not my best work, but at this point I am so exhausted that just getting it finished was a major accomplishment.
20 May 1998
Wednesday
A good, if relaxing day. I got up early in the morning and met Silke for a morning breakfast and then went to the computer lab to catch up on my email. Because of the recent departure of my home internet connection I think that is going to end up being a regular occurrence. I think that I actually kind of like doing email in the computer lab. Even though it isn’t my own computer, there is a lot to be said for having a lot of people around one when working with the computer.
In the evening we had an abbreviated Illegaard night. There were only four of us but we still managed to have a good time nonetheless. Silke taught us all some very wonderful German phrases because of Kathryn’s upcoming trip to Germany and now we can all say, with some conviction, “You call that a schnitzel?!?” and “I love Guildo with lemon.”
21 May 1998
Thursday
We had a farewell party for Nuri tonight. Tomorrow morning he is on his way with his mom and sister to Latvia for a couple of weeks service there and then he sets off on his InterRail adventure. I can’t believe that it is already time for him to leave. So much is happening right now, and I cannot accept that the end is coming so fast. I’m looking forward to it in many ways, but I will still be very happy to head home. It’s been long enough.
It was hard saying goodbye to Nuri. He is an incredible friend and the one person here in Tartu who I felt understood me the most. I shared a faith with him that I have yet to find with any woman here in Estonia and our personalities and interests coincided so much that it was more than a little bit spooky. I enjoyed the opportunity to go over to his place at all times and let off the steam that was building up and know that I would always have a sympathetic ear. He is a great guy and he will be missed sincerely. Have a good trip through Europe and I truly hope we meet again soon. Good luck and Godspeed!
In four days I will cross the one year barrier. Twelve months since I left the United States. It’s an incredible sensation. So much has happened to me in that period of time that it simply defies comprehension. I love the life that I have been living but think that the time has come for me to move on with my life and start to make progress towards the goal that God has set for me and my life.
22 May 1998
Friday
I just watched the best film that I have seen in a long, long time. Nothing in Common with Tom Hanks and Jackie Gleason. It detailed the life of an advertising agent and his father as his father battled diabetes and went through the break up of a 36 year marriage. There were no guns, explosions or fast cars, just simply a wonderful plot and real people making an honest film detailing the life that we all tend to take for granted. It was a film par excellence and really makes me wish that I could see things like this more often.
I talked to mom tonight on the phone. She is sick as a dog, but it was wonderful to hear her voice. I miss them all so much and cannot believe that in just a little over a month I am going to be leaving this life to which I have grown so accustomed and return to the United States and the people, places and things that I truly know and love.
I love it here in Estonia, it has become my reality. Everyday that I wake up and look out my window I think the Lord for giving me this opportunity, but I know that like everything in the world, there comes a time to say goodbye. I have hit that point in Estonia. The time has come for me to take my hard earned memories and return to the place I call home. I will cherish the time that I had here always. It has changed me in more ways that I could ever imagine. It has broadened my mind and opened me to a world I never knew existed.
This new world that I am experiencing is not simply a physical thing, it is a mental and spiritual thing. I have developed a new me here in Europe. I have grown and become someone better and more in ouch with myself and my world. I have gained a better knowledge of my future, my past, the world I live in and my place in it. I am going to leave Estonia in a month. I am going to say farewell to many dear and close friends and to a family who have taken me into their lives and made me feel truly at home halfway around the world. Many of these people I may never see again, but this is not a time for sadness or regret, it is a time of joy and satisfaction. Joy from the memories we’ve shared and satisfaction for the opportunities we’ve had, the friendships we’ve kindled and the experiences we’ve gained. It has been an incredible year, none of us will ever forget these times, even as we go our separate ways and return to our homes on different sides of the world, a little of what we had and have shared will go with us. It will stay with us and touch our hearts forever. Whether we go home to Britain, Finland, Germany, Iraq or Iowa Tartu will forever be a part of our being, even if only in some small way.
Thank you all for everything. Thank you Tartu. Thank you Estonia and thank you Lord. Without you none of this would have been possible. I love this year and I will never forget what it has done for me. Thank you again, I love you all.
23 May 1998
Saturday
Today we celebrated Raivo’s 54th birthday. We took a sauna and had a great dinner followed by a couple hours of wonderful conversation. I am still not a fluent member of the conversation circle, but the fact that I making significant contributions to the whole thing is making me feel a lot better about my language ability.
After the birthday party I went with Kairit and a friend of hers to Illegaard. It was fun to sit and catch up with her. Talking one on one is something that we do much too rarely. It feels good and I wish that it had continued as often as it had been in the fall semester. Following Illegaard I went to the dormitories and had another end of the semester party. These things are happening quite often and it is promising to be still a few times more until the true of the semester.
It is really sickening to me right at the moment to look at what has happened to my English language fluency. I haven’t lost my true abilities, my language is still there, but I have lost a huge percentage of my active vocabulary and my ability to think of relatively rare words off the top of my head is rapidly dissipating. This phenomenon is most apparent when I try and use adjectives. These words have all but disappeared leaving me in situations where in the United States I would use a multitude of superlatives, now I am reduced to using very basic, good, bad, big, small and so on. There are almost no shades of gray left in my conversational language and many basic nuances that I take for granted at home are just none existent here.
The other thing that is noticeable is my tendency to insert the occasional Estonian language word or word order (these mistakes being the most common). It sounds strange to me, but I can’t immediately put my finger on why. I have to stop and think about the proper grammar in my own language. If this is happening to me after just one year, I wonder what happens to those who spend a much greater period of time away from their linguistic homeland.
