1997: Falling behind, again…
From the archives: It turns out that I was blogging long before anyone had ever heard the term “blog.” Twenty years ago I was an exchange student in Estonia. While studying at the University of Tartu, I created an online travelogue to keep my family and friends apprised of my experiences. Both my life and the nation of Estonia have changed a lot the two decades since. This reprise is providing me with a glimpse at who I was back then and the excuse to learn more about more recent developments in my temporary home, even if some of the opinions that I expressed back then may make me a little bit uncomfortable today. It is interesting to see how people grow and change.
Previous entry: Back into English
October 13-26, 1997
This week’s entry is actually a couple of weeks. What with all of the studying and crazy university lifestyle that I have been living here in Tartu I have fallen behind once again in keeping my journal up to date. Unfortunately there is no easy answer to this. I just have to keep pushing myself to improve. Thanks for sticking by through all of this. There is such a wide variety of sentiments and feelings expressed in this update that I will refrain from comment and let the entries speak for themselves. Please enjoy.
13 October 1997
Monday
This morning I went to Marjamoisa Clinic to get my physical checks for my residence permit. It was fairly simple procedure, I went in and after stopping by a couple of offices I got the necessary tests and tomorrow will have the results. It was interesting. It does not matter which country one is in, hospitals are all the same. Definitely not a favorite place of mine.
In the evening I went with Adrian and Nuri to watch X-Files at Ken’s place. It was a lot of fun to watch it together, television can be a great social thing. However, I also enjoy watching at home with my host family too, so I’m not sure where I will be watching it next week. Life’s difficult decisions…
14 October 1997
Tuesday
Not much happened today.
15 October 1997
Wednesday
Tonight we had a international get together at Illegaard. It was a lot of fun and I got to meet a bunch of great people. I’m having a great time here.
16 October 1997
Thursday
Tonight I went to visit Monika, a friend from my Spanish language class last year. It was a good time.
17 October 1997
Friday
Today after classes I went to the International Office and had my first conversation with Piret in Estonian. I also wrote some letters in Estonian. I think that my language is getting better every day. Sometime I might be speaking only in Estonian. I just hope that day comes soon.
In the afternoon I went to Heller to have a bite to eat with some of the other international students. Afterwards we went to the movie Face/Off with John Travolta and Nicholas Cage. It was not too bad, but I was definitely not in the right mood to see an action movie. Maybe next time.
This evening I watched Monty Python, The Meaning of Life with Kairit. It was by far the best two hours of the day. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit and relax in the company of friends. A very good day.
20 October 1997
Monday
This was a very crazy weekend. I went to see Hamlet at Vanemuine Theater, went to a friend’s birthday party and even got into Latvia for a little bit. I went to visit Valga/Valka, a city on the Estonian-Latvian border. Nothing much to see or do there, but it was nice to get out Tartu for a little bit. It was all very interesting, but because I was with other international students all weekend I did not get a chance to speak any Estonian for almost two days. It was too much. Today I found it impossible to speak the language.
After classes today I bought an adapter for my modem to fit it to the Estonian phone connections. Tomorrow I am going to go to the computer center and see about setting up a dial in internet service. I also watched X-Files with Kairit and tried to go to a birthday party at one of the Finns’ place. Unfortunately, the outside door of the apartment is locked after 21:00 and there is no outside bell to ring. With no way to get a hold of her on her fifth floor apartment, I had nothing to do but turn around and come home. Yet another example of stupid Soviet planning. How did that country survive for three quarters of century?
21 October 1997
Tuesday
Today was my last Estonian grammar class for two weeks because our professor, Ingrid, is going on vacation to Turkey.
22 October 1997
Wednesday
This evening I went to Heller with my Estonian tutor, Inga. I really enjoyed getting to see her again. We had a few hours catch up from the past two months that we have not seen each other and had a wonderful theological discussion. I love talking with other middle of the road Christians every now and then. Sometimes one just has to “talk shop.” After Heller we went to Illegaard for the third weekly international night out. It went off without a hitch.
24 October 1997
Friday
Note: The following is a stream of consciousness entry that I wrote after struggling with for literally months on end on what to do over the possibility of purchasing a new mountain bike for myself. Not among the world’s great problems, I know, but something that had been driving me stark raving mad ever since I was in Warrensburg, Missouri last year. Tonight I sort of came to a realization. The bike was just one of many things that has been bothering me. The spirit of the Lord is a truly wonderful and miraculous thing. Just when one thinks everything is all figured out, along comes a night like this to knock it all back into perspective. An incredible night. The Lord is good.
It’s amazing to me me sometimes, how wonderful the life that I living here in Estonia actually is. Sometimes I get too caught up in all of the little things in the world and get distracted from what is truly important in life. I may not have all of the stuff that I could have, or all of the toys and latest fashions. But when one comes right down to it, I have the greatest thing in the world, something that most people can only dream about. I have the Lord’s grace, love and protection. With that I am one of the happiest people in the world.
There is nothing else in the world I will ever need or want. There will come fleeting moments of Earthly desires and distractions, but I must learn to forget about them and truly concentrate on the Lord, for it is with him that my future lies and it is there that I can truly turn to in time of need and pain. With him I am free and alive. I love it.
I know that no amount of love from me for the Lord will ever take away the normal everyday struggles and temptations of life on this planet, but with him I know that none of it truly matters and that once I get through all of this I am part of something greater. It is a wonderful sensation and one that I should be more aware of and not try to forget about by bringing things, people, or ideas between me and the Lord.
In this case it is that blasted bike that is driving me crazy. I want to get on a decent bicycle so much I can just taste it. But, I am never sure whether it is worth it or not and whether I should just go ahead and get the bloody thing. I almost did, but for whatever reason the Lord stopped me. I am not sure whether that means that this is not the right time or whether the bike is simply not going to happen anytime in the remote future. I just need to learn to let go of my petty fears and frustrations and listen more to and for his word. He is speaking to me every day. I just need to pay more attention and he will direct me in what to do.
I some times wonder just why I am doing what I am doing, living the life that I am is perhaps the most difficult lifestyle that I could have ever chosen, but for some reason I have continued to live it no matter what other options are presented to me or what other things I should logically be doing with myself. I know that I really should just let go and let the Lord take care of my life. I am trying, but every day I just have little more trouble and I cannot quite figure out how to handle myself. I hope that someday it gets easier and I figure out how exactly to live my life for the Lord. The thing that I am afraid of, though, is that this is just of one those things that will continue to be a constant struggle no matter what I do. I wish that it wasn’t so, but I think that following the Lord is probably the most difficult thing that I have ever done. I should just go and let the Lord take control of my life. I am trying, I really am, maybe sometime I will be able to just let go. I really hope that point comes sometime soon. I am so tired of fighting.
I am wanting to get that bike so much, yet at the same time I can think of a hundred different arguments why not. I think that I should just play it safe and stay away from further two wheeled purchases for the time being.
Patience and carefulness should be my watchwords now. I know that God speaks to me in many ways and I know that I am all too often unwilling to listen to his word and let his power run my life. I wish that this were not so and I wish that I was a stronger person than I am. It is because of who I am, though, that the Lord has chosen me. It I were a truly strong or good person I would have no need for the Lord. However, it is a simple fact that there are no truly strong or good people in the world without the Lord.
I know that all people everywhere, whether they want to admit or it or not, are under the protection and guidance of the Lord. I wish that he would make his presence known to the world in a dramatic and simple way, that everyone everywhere could know the glorious sensations that I live every day. For whatever reason he has chosen to make himself known in the world through normal people. I am one of those people.What an incredible honor and responsibility that is, the power of the Lord will come to the Earth through me. Awesome and simply beyond words. It is an experience that I can still not come to terms with. I am serving the Lord, and have given my body, mind and soul over to him. I do not understand what I have promised, all I know is that I have to keep on trying and maybe some day I might get a little closer to the kingdom of heaven. I love this life and I love my God.
26 October 1997
Sunday
Please forgive me that I did not write yesterday These have been a very busy past few days, Today I went with Diemo to Paulus (St. Paul’s) Church. It was interesting. Diemo agreed with me that Paulus was the best Lutheran church here in Tartu. It is doing the best that it can with it’s restrictive, century-old liturgy. With that kind of liturgy there is really not too much more that can be done to improve the service. A revamp is definitely needed. Following the service we went to McDonald’s to have our now weekly theological discussion and lunch. Later we attended the Methodist Church. There was a problem between the Methodist congregation and the Orthodox congregation that they have been sharing a building with for the past thirty years and the Methodists were locked out of their own church building.
Right now they are meeting in one of the Baptist church buildings and are trying to figure out what they will do with their future. I can’t believe that fellow Christians would do this kind of thing to each other. In today’s world we need to be showing a united front. When will we learn?
Next entry: Still Catching Up
