Lenten writing table: Overcoming Life’s Disappointments

True, but unsatisfying, guidance

Throughout my PTSD recovery process, I have often been encouraged to learn how to forgive myself. The problem is that I am still trying to figure out exactly how to make that happen, even though I know it needs to be done. Emotionally, caring around years of self-recrimination can be utterly debilitating. Theologically, I also know that it makes no sense to hang on to guilt that Christ has already forgiven.

Although I know all of this to be true intellectually, the problem is that human emotions are inherently not logical. Even if I were able to figure out how to forgive myself, much of the supposed guilt I feel is actually regret, anger, and grief being redirected in unhealthy and unproductive ways. While these emotions overlap with guilt, they are not exactly the same thing and require recovery techniques of their own.

Usually when I describe my inability to forgive myself or let go of my regret, I hear some version of “it just takes time” or “you will have to figure out what works for you.” As true as these statements are, they are also unsatisfying. I have spent years trying to figure this out, and have not been able to solve the problem on my own. What I have wanted more than anything is a set of procedures or handbook to guide me through the process.

Something concrete to work with

Late last year my counselor introduced me to a book that does exactly that. After listening to me for several months, learning about my situation, background, belief structure, and how I learn, he asked me if I had ever heard of the book Overcoming Life’s Disappointments by Rabbi Harold Kushner. I have encountered some of Rabbi Kushner’s other works, but this particular book was new to me. 

Once the fall semester ended and I had a bit more time for personally reading, I picked up the book for myself. The subject matter is precisely what the title implies. It is entirely dedicated to helping readers learn how to move past the disappointments and regrets of life. Kushner uses the life of Moses to help frame the conversation. Moses was simultaneously a powerful leader who shaped three great monotheistic religions and a person who experienced a great deal of pain and sadness in his life. 

One of Kushner’s premises is that Moses’ life was far more complicated than most people think about. Yes, he did lead the Israelite people out of slavery, but he also was separated from his mother as an infant, watched his people turn from the God who had saved them, and never actually entered the promised land. Like all of us, he experienced as much disappointment as he did success in his career.

I am so grateful to my counselor for suggesting this book. More than anything else I have ever read, Kushner is providing actionable guidance on how to actually start to leave disappointment and regret behind. By using the example of Moses he has universalized things that I had were peculiar to me and my struggle. No single book is going to immediately fix everything, but I can already feel myself starting to let go of some of the pain that has held me back.

Reflecting at the Writing Table

As my spiritual discipline for the season of Lent, I signed up for Rev. Dr. Eileen Campbell-Reed’s Writing Table. Every day between now and Easter she gathers with a group of writers from around the world, shares a spiritual writing prompt, and turns us loose for an hour. Some people use this time for academic work, others on sermon prep or Bible study, and others devote themselves to personal prayer in written form.

My intention during this time is to reread Overcoming Life’s Disappointments and reflect on some of the passages that jumped out at me the first time around. This is primarily a personal journey, but I am going to share some of my thoughts here so that those who are going through something similar might be able to know they are not alone in their struggles. For those of you who are, hopefully Rabbi Kushner’s words might be as helpful to you as they have been to me.

Thank you to Rev. Dr. Campbell-Reed for creating this space and providing a bit of seasonally appropriate positive peer pressure.