Seeking healing on two wheels
First Christian Church Feb. 23 newsletter article:
During worship on Sunday I announced that I am going to be out of the pulpit the first week of March. Bobby Garner is going to be preaching February 28 and the elders are going to provide pastoral care while I head to Arizona to participate in the Motorcycle Relief Project’s Relief Ride #41.
Several people have asked what exactly that means, this video from MRP gives a preview of what I am going to be doing:
The Motorcycle Relief Program helps veterans and first responders deal with PTSD and the invisible wounds of war and other trauma. It is a program designed to help people like me. Two years ago this month I returned from deployment to Kuwait, with brief forward deployments to Syria. While overseas I served as mortuary chaplain and responded to a series of difficult events that have left me emotionally struggling since returning home.
Anxiety, insomnia, memory loss, and a steady stream of nightmares have become part of my life. This has taught me a great deal about the reality of vicarious trauma. Quite simply, the people I supported have followed me home. Their situations continue to haunt my dreams. Their pain has become my pain.
The complexities of navigating the VA as a reservist delayed my care and things continued to get worse. Six months after coming home I experienced a flashback during a drill weekend exercise which found me in chemical gear as we came under mock attack. An alarm sounded and a voice on the radio started shouting about mass casualties, body parts, and suicide. Those scenarios were all things I had experienced for real just a short time before.
I physically and mentally froze. The canister on my gas mask fell off and I did not have the dexterity to put it back on. I could not even put up the hood on my chem gear. The radio was three feet away, but I could not hear a word. Total sensory distortion had set in. The director of psychological health pulled me out of the exercise and the commander and vice commander sat down with me, heard my situation, and offered me the time that I needed to get to help. For their time and support that day, I will always be grateful. Later that month an official PTSD diagnosis was made and I was able to finally get plugged into treatment.
For the past year I have continued to serve the Air Force to the best of my ability while receiving treatment from the VA and the 932 AW’s medical personnel. Despite their best efforts, at this moment it is no longer healthy for me to continue serving as wing chaplain. I have been placed on medical leave pending the results of an Air Force medical review board. Trauma has rewired my brain in a way that I am stuck replaying the same painful tapes in my head. The question that remains is whether I can recover enough for my military career to continue.
This is why I am going to Arizona next week. The Motorcycle Relief Project was founded by Tom Larson to help people like me get unstuck. Last fall I applied and was accepted following an interview with ride coordinator Mike Bobbitt, a fellow Air Force veteran. MRP uses off-road motorcycling as an opportunity to bring veterans together for a week of skill building, resiliency training, and mutual support. Essentially, we learn how to ride bikes in the morning and use that confidence to begin dealing with our emotional baggage in the afternoon.
This year COVID testing protocols have been implemented to ensure everyone’s safety. Those who have been through MRP describe it as life changing, even life saving. I am grateful for the opportunity to participate in this event and for the support of this congregation and my Air Force friends and leadership. Most importantly, I thank God every day for the patience Lily has shown throughout the last two years.
Thanks again to all of the Disciples of First Christian Church. I am more grateful for your support than you will ever know. I look forward to telling you all about it when I get back. In the meantime, please say a prayer or two for me and my fellow veterans as we thrash motorcycles through the desert and begin the process of getting ourselves unstuck
